I started uni 2014 and I’ve still yet to finish it because of life BS. Dealing with depression / ADHD has made finishing my degree seem impossible for me to do and I feel like an absolute failure everyday because of it. I wasted many semesters attempting clases and then dropping out when my grades weren’t good.
My parents both graduated by their early 20s and had me at 23; I’ll be 29 soon and I still live with them working at a Walmart to make ends meet and even with that I’m about to be fired for poor performance. I feel depressed being there because I was given everything in life to be successful and yet I wasted my 20s away being depressed / suicidal. All of my friends all have graduated long ago and have better jobs and I get envious seeing them being successful. All I think about is splattering my brains all over the wall.
I don’t have a plan to follow, every day I’m just hating myself for wasting my best years over stupid shit instead of focusing.
Hey dude. I’m glad you made this post. Suicidal ideation is a big fucking deal, and shouldn’t be taken lightly. If there is any possible way to pull it off, I highly recommend seeking help like the other comments mention. Not just for the depression, but for the ADHD. Are you treating the ADHD? Do you have a formal diagnosis? I didn’t get diagnosed until I was 39… and it was a fucking game changer when I started treating it.
You said you’re still living with your parents. I would presume that your relationship with them is decent then? If you’re 29 and they’re letting you live at home (even if they charge some sort of rent), they are likely concerned for your wellbeing regardless of the state of the relationship. It’s completely ok to lean on them for emotional support. Nobody gets through life without a support system of some kind. Literally no one makes it without help somewhere along the way from someone. I’d be willing to bet your parents are dying to help you right now even if they don’t know how.
The thing with suicide is it’s permanent. Everyone knows that intellectually, but sometimes the need to stop the pain overwhelms the finality of it all. It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And once it’s done, there is no going back. And what makes this bad situation worse is that your loved ones will be left to pick up the pieces. My partner had someone very close to her commit suicide about 14 years ago. She has been saddled with severe PTSD from that and will have to carry it with her for the rest of her life. I don’t mention this to make you feel worse or make you feel bad for being suicidal, but to try to hit home that we don’t live our lives in isolation, and our actions have consequences for those around us.
Now the school thing? Don’t sweat it. School isn’t for everyone. Sometimes in life we try to force ourselves into boxes other people construct for us (or boxes we think other people have constructed for us). The fact of the matter is that we get to fashion the yardstick our success is measured with. So you’re 29 years old, haven’t finished college, work at Walmart, and live at home with your parents. So fucking what? That’s what the situation is. You’re probably not happy about it, but there might be reasons why school isn’t working that are greater than simply ADHD. Maybe you were studying the wrong thing. Maybe college isn’t what you need to be doing. There are more and more fields out there that can earn a decent living without a college degree. Work at Walmart and hate it? Look into a job at Lowe’s. Retail sucks… maybe look into a job at some local distribution center for some big business (I can think of two different regional distribution centers for different companies where I live…). My point is, if it’s not working, consider a different path. Talk about this with your parents too. If they can’t help a whole bunch with the mental heath bit (regardless of how much they might want to), they will probably be much more able to help in this realm if by no other way than ideas for alternative pathways.
Anyway… I hope things improve for you dude. You’ll be in my thoughts.