“You can tell there is an unrelenting darkness within him that can only be exorcised by jumping a motorcycle into a canyon or parachuting out of a plane in semi-orbit—and none of us wants to find out where that energy would be redirected were he not able to spend 17 hours a day performing stunts for a camera crew."
The freakin Onion got me for a sec!
Wasn’t until I got to “unrelenting darkness” that I noticed
Came real close to biting the onion on this one.
However, you all fear what Cruise will do when he isn’t constantly performing near-suicidal stunts. I fear what Scientology will do when they lose their main cash cow
Who’s the second most bankable celebrity Scientologist? Travolta’s a bit too old, though perhaps we’ll see a rash of prestige-TV roles pushing him as an elder statesman figure. Beyond that, they’d have to make Beck cut a chart-topping EDM album or something, or else start recruiting YouTube influencers to have a chance with the next generation.
Glad to see The Onion’s still got it lol
lol but honestly I thought it was true before checking the source
Ya… It felt right for some weird reason
I mean, the guy is a maniac.
“Unrelenting darkness within him”? I thought that’s why Uncle Xenu installed his Thetan pump so those can be sucked out like some sort of anti-midichlorians.
I’d totally believe this story!
Good job, Onion!
We ate the onion.
Whoops, my breath smelling like onions today…
Tastes good. Onions back on the menu.
I got got on this one, holy shit
Totally ate the onion on this one, but then it got me thinking of a giant Tom Cruise shooting lasers from his eyes and wrecking DC. Hmmm…
LOL. As I was reading the summary, I thought “man, this reads like an article from The Onion”. And sure enough, it is!
